Dear Cornerstone family,
I started dating my wife, Christy, then girlfriend, when I was 19 years old. At the time, I was living with four guys in an apartment, and I was the only one of my roommates who had a girlfriend. This meant I was the resident expert on all things relating to love and the opposite sex.
We had a rocking chair on our front porch. Occasionally in the evenings I’d throw on my tweed jacket, puff away on an imaginary pipe, and wax eloquent about the art of love and the ways of women. After a few sessions, my roommates dubbed me, “The Doctor of Love,” a title I gladly received.
When I actually got married, I was surprised to learn I wasn’t quite the doctor of love I thought I was. In many respects, I was flunking “Introduction to Love 101.” Before marriage, I was such a great guy––easygoing, flexible, sacrificial. After marriage, it was like Christy was bringing out the worst in me. I never said that to Christy you understand—I had at least that much wisdom! But it did cross my mind. I truly felt that marriage was making me a really bad person.
A few years later, I ran across this quote from Thomas & Kathleen Hart, “Sometimes what is hard to take in the first years of marriage is not what we find out about our partner, but what we find out about ourselves. As one young woman who had been married about a year said, ‘I always thought of myself as a patient and forgiving person, but in marriage the opposite seemed to be true. Then I began to wonder if that was just because I’ve never gotten this close to anyone.’”
The insight is an important one. Ironically, the closeness that drives us into relationships generally and marriage specifically is the same closeness that brings about the painful exposure of sin in our lives. It’s a packaged deal. Truth be told, the new circumstance of marriage wasn’t making me a selfish man. The new circumstance of marriage was revealing that I was a selfish man. It took me a minute to give up “the legend” in my mind, but I eventually began to admit to the fact that I lacked the ability in character to do marriage well. In short, I needed the grace of repentance.
Our earthly marriages, however, are not the only place where this kind of sin-revealing-unto-healing work happens. It happens most fundamentally in the church as together we live out our heavenly marriage with Christ (Ephesians 5:31-33). It’s here, in the body of Christ, where we learn to abide in Christ’s love, speak the truth in love, extend and receive forgiveness, and walk in new obedience (Ephesians 4:15; 4:32). In other words, it’s in the church where the grammar of the gospel is to be lived out day by day.
Ask yourself, “Am I close enough to anyone in church for the sin-revealing-and-healing work of the gospel to be operable in my relationships?” If the answer is no, consider stepping toward a Bible study, a home fellowship group, or a supper club. Volunteer to serve somewhere in the body. No matter what it takes, commit to break through surface level relationships into real Christian community. If you need help or direction in this regard, reach out to us. We’d love to help you move into a deeper experience of community at Cornerstone.
Your servant,
